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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23032174">what is it, my love, that upsets you so?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreeGrain/pseuds/FreeGrain'>FreeGrain</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowdance Series - David Dalglish</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Marriage Proposal, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Psychological Trauma, Zulyssa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 04:59:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,891</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23032174</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreeGrain/pseuds/FreeGrain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Years after leaving Veldaren, Alyssa wants nothing more than to make Zusa her wife. Screw society, screw expectations, she loves her. Yet every time she mentions it, Zusa pulls away. And Alyssa wants to know why. </p><p>{Zulyssa}<br/>{Zusa x Alyssa}</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alyssa Gemcroft/Zusa (Shadowdance)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>what is it, my love, that upsets you so?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Not that I expect anyone to read this but if you are, hello! I am a huge fan of David Dalglish's Shadowdance series and decided to finally write something for it 💜💜 of course it was my girls Zulyssa. </p><p>If you're a fan too, please message me and we can talk about this series! Thank you!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You can't marry me!" Zusa exclaimed. </p><p>Alyssa folded her arms. "Why not? I love you. I want you to be my wife. We've already established this in every other way, so why not make it official?" </p><p>She didn't understand why Zusa was fighting her on this. Everytime she brought it up, Zusa avoided and dodged, changing the subject to something else. The first time, she’d kissed her playfully, distracting her with sinful hands. But now, Alyssa didn’t know what to do. </p><p>"Well… I… um." Zusa sounded awkward, feet shuffling against the ground. She is never like this, even when she was shy. Whatever was worrying her was a lot more serious than Alyssa knew. </p><p>"Zusa… please." Alyssa surged forward, finding her girlfriend's hands as easily as if it were second nature. She found that Zusa was shaking. "Zusa… I love you. You can talk to me about this. I want to know. And if you really don't want to marry, we do not have to." </p><p>A shift in the air, Zusa has shaken her head. "No. It's not that I do not want to marry you, my love. It is…" She trailed off again. </p><p>Alyssa squeezed her hands, silently begging her to go on. Zusa felt her, heaving a sigh. This was hard for her. </p><p>"I am not worthy to marry you," Zusa said quietly. "I am no noble and have nothing to my name." </p><p>"If you think I care about those things, then you are quite mistaken." </p><p>"No, no, I'd never believe that. It isn't you. It's the other nobles who will see. It will bad bad enough that I am no man but if I am merely a commoner…" The end of her sentence was left hanging and Alyssa understood what she was trying to say. </p><p>It wasn't like Alyssa hadn't considered this before. She knew that no one would speak out against her for marrying a woman but she would get weird looks. People would judge her silently, behind her back. Rumours and gossip were common among nobles and others of her rank; they’d talk. But it wasn't like they didn't already. She didn't care about their opinions. She wanted Zusa as her wife. </p><p>The other problem was the nobles and merchants that she did business with. Someone of her position was expected to marry for benefits. Some  married for love but they were few and far between. Instead, empires and alliances were forged with birthlanes. Once she may have considered it. But when she met Zusa, everything changed. </p><p>"Let them stare," Alyssa begged. "Don't let them change your mind." </p><p>Zusa would never want to hurt her. If she thought this could impact her, she'd give up everything for her. She’d suffer a thousand deaths to spare her a second. Alyssa loved that about her but right now, it was getting in both their ways. </p><p>Zusa sighed, leaning down to kiss her gently. It was tender, drawing a gasp when she pulled away. "I will think about it." </p><p>Alyssa listened to her go, tapping her hand off her arm. When the door closed, Alyssa was left alone with her thoughts. She understood that that was a reason that Zusa might be hesitating. There was something that Zusa wasn’t telling her. Something else. Alyssa wasn't too sure what it was. </p><p>Making her way back to her table, Alyssa sat down. Sunlight warmed her through the window, the only indication of the time of day. She sighed. She didn't know what to do. She loved Zusa so much. She didn’t want to force her to do anything. </p><p>So maybe she’d have to let this go. </p><p>Alyssa wanted to marry Zusa more than anything in the world. She’d fallen in love. She wanted to tell the world. </p><p>But then again, her past relationships and marriage hadn’t gone well. None of her past suitors still lived. Maybe Zusa was scared for herself. But that wasn’t like her. </p><p>Why was her life so complicated? At least now, this was the only thing on her mind. Mere years ago, she’d had to live her life watching every little step to protect herself, the ones she loved and her company. Losing her eyes only made it harder. </p><p>But now, it was only love that caused her grief. </p><p>They’d never break up. </p><p>“But why?” Alyssa whispered. “What is it, my love, that upsets you so?”</p><hr/><p>Zusa's heart was hammering when she left Alyssa's room. Guilt was like a stone in her chest, weighing her down. She wanted nothing other than to take Alyssa's name and marry her but something was holding her back. </p><p>She tried to pretend she didn’t know what it was but she did. </p><p>Romance had never gone well for her. She'd joined a religious organisation where sexuality was repressed. She’d taken a vow to never love or marry. She broke that. She had her first love and that… that ended quite badly. As a faceless, she found pleasure but it wasn't the same. Haern was a desperate fling made out of sadness and longing for contact. </p><p>So when Alyssa came to her, offering a happy ending, she panicked. She changed the subject. </p><p>It was too good to be true. She couldn't believe it. She wanted it so badly but every cell in her body was ready to bolt. </p><p>"Why?" she murmured as she wandered through their home. "Why can't I believe?" </p><p>Alyssa loved her. She loved Alyssa. It was supposed to be easy from there. It wasn't. Life for them was never easy. Zusa knew that. Even when things seemed easy, her life changed and the people she cared about either died or turned on her. She didn’t think she could bear it. </p><p>"Mummy?" A sweet voice stopped her thoughts in her tracks. </p><p>Her five year old daughter, Eliora, stood down the corridor, rubbing her eyes. Her hair was messy. She looked sleepy. She must have just woken up from her midday nap. </p><p>"Hey, darling," Zusa cooed, leaning over to pick her up. "Are you feeling well?" </p><p>She had Haern's eyes, that brilliant blue. She saw traces of his genes in her, from the lighter tone of her skin to the soft curls in her hair. She reminded her of him but all the good things, the innocent boy he must have been before the underworld birthed him as the Watcher. </p><p>"Yea…" Eliora murmured, hugging her. "I heard talking…" </p><p>The guilt returned. Alyssa and her room was the only other one down here, the rest left alone so their daughter could nap in peace. They’d sectioned off the house and surrounded it with guards in hope she might live in peace. Even though they’d left the city, there was still corruption in Riverrun. </p><p>"Oh, I'm sorry," Zusa said. "Your mom and I were just having a little talk." </p><p>Eliora hummed, not really caring. She was still sleepy but she wasn't going to go back to sleep. Zusa carried her with her, wondering where her son had gone to now. </p><p>A fully grown adult, Natheniel, often left the house for his own reasons. He was a smart man. She trusted him to make good decisions. But everytime she looked at Eliora, she was reminded of the hardships he went through when he was younger. </p><p>She wanted her children safe. </p><p>But with their life, there was never any guarantee. And it hurt to know she couldn't promise to keep them safe. </p><p>"You want to go outside?" Zusa offered. "We can look at the flowers." </p><p>Eliora perked immediately. "Yes! Yes, mummy!" </p><p>Chuckling, Zusa shifted her hold. Eliora liked flowers. Zusa liked flowers. Alyssa liked them as well, though she couldn’t see them anymore. By now she could identify most of them from scent. It was a family thing, running into the flower garden. Natheniel even liked them. </p><p>Outside was warm, the sun shining down through the clouds. Eliora started to squirm and Zusa put her down. Together, they walked into the Gemcroft's expansive gardens. </p><p>Rows of green and purples, yellows, oranges, reds, every shade imaginable. A butterfly floated past them and Eliora cooed in excitement. </p><p>Zusa settled on the grass as Eliora ran after the butterfly. She'd never catch it but it was amusing to her. </p><p>"Ah! Mommy!" </p><p>Eliora's cry caused Zusa to look up. She was correct. Alyssa was making her way across the grass with a servant on her arm. </p><p>Eliora surged forward in a run. </p><p>"Look out!" Zusa called. </p><p>Alyssa stumbled when their daughter latched onto her leg. She stumbled but the servant righted her. </p><p>"Woah," she laughed, reaching to stroke her hair. "Watch mommy's legs." </p><p>Eliora wasn't all too aware that her mother didn't see the same as her. That she had to be that extra bit careful. But Alyssa, though she'd struggled at first, lived her life without much difference. </p><p>Alyssa continued out until she was next to her. Zusa took her hand from her servant and dismissed them. Alyssa sat down with her. </p><p>As Eliora went out to chase more butterflies, Alyssa turned in her direction. </p><p>"I understand if you don't want to get married," Alyssa said softly. "I'd just like to know your real reason." </p><p>Of course the love of her life would see through her. </p><p>She needed to be honest. </p><p>If there was anyone she could tell, it was her. </p><p>"I know… it's just…" Zusa took a deep breath. "Well, I am scared. The idea of marrying you is a dream come true but I never thought I'd have the chance. Any love I've had never worked out. So I'm scared." </p><p>Alyssa rubbed her thumb over the back of her hand. "I understand-" </p><p>"I want to marry you," Zusa promised. "I just need time. To finally get my head around it." </p><p>She'd been with Alyssa for years now, yet she still had remnants of her trauma. She was getting past it. Slowly but again, the path to recovery was a steep one. </p><p>"We can wait forever if you need to." </p><p>Alyssa kissed her, fingertips gentle. She would wait forever but Zusa knew she didn't want to. And not did she. One day, not now, they'd marry. And her life would be fulfilled. </p><p>"Ew! Mommies!" Suddenly Eliora came crashing in from the side. "Gross!" </p><p>Alyssa laughed. "Eli, darling. It's not ew." </p><p>Eliora giggled. "It is!" She stuck out her tongue before bouncing to her feet. "Come on, Mom! Let's run around!" </p><p>"Watch her," Zusa warned. "Make sure she doesn't trip." </p><p>She trusted Eliora's judgement but there were times when she hadn't noticed a rock or a jut in the pavement and obviously, neither had Alyssa. Luckily, nothing serious ever happened. Zusa was still wary though. One misstep and- </p><p>"We'll be fine!" Eliora promised. </p><p>“Yeah, don’t worry, silly.” Alyssa got to her feet with Eliora holding her hand. </p><p>Zusa sat back on the grass, watching them run around. She could have done this all day. The smile on Alyssa's face, the way Eliora laughed, the giggles from both of them. Zusa was content. </p><p>“Hey, mom,” a voice greeted. It was Natheniel, back from being out. He smiled at her. “What’s going on?” </p><p>Zusa looked back over to where the love of her life and her daughter ran about the garden. “Not much. But enough.” Enough for her to be happy. Enough for her to be in love. Enough for her. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Did you enjoy it? If you did, consider leaving a comment or something nice 💜💜<br/>Find me here at my <a href="https://the-demons-behind-your-smile.tumblr.com">Tumblr</a> ☺️</p></blockquote></div></div>
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